Bus-Capades

People are foul.

Riding the bus to and from work everyday in Downtown Portland is quite the experience. I usually go to Starbucks and then walk the 3 blocks down to my building. I am amused daily by the shit that people put into their body and then complain that they are 50lbs overweight.

Example A: (2 days ago)- A short, plump mom-ish like lady orders a venti raspberry white mocha frappucino with extra whip cream and an apple fritter to go for breakfast. Delish. There are all of your calories for the day. My teeth hurt just thinking about eating that. Ick!

Example B: (About 30 mins ago)- It is really warm today so a Blended Strawberry Lemonade sounds ultra fab. Yes, there is probs a lot of sugar but I never order them so I say whatevs today. The girl in front of me made me feel 10 times better about my order after I hear hers: Venti Caramel Frappucino with extra caramel. "Like, I want it dripping down the sides and on the bottom and the whip cream." My stomach turned. Her total was $4.30! This girl , to put it politely, had extra pounds already and definitely didn't need those cals. In addition, she is wearing a bright blue tank top that looks like a picnic basket with a dirty white sports bra and navy blue crocs and is power smoking so she can finish her cigarette before she gets on the bus. Vomit Now.

Then, I get on the bus. I have seen SO many weirdos I can't even tell you but today there were a surplus. The other day I saw a woman with an alcohol monitor anklet that she had bejeweled to look cool. Hah!

I sit down and across from me are 2 people that are the most methed/cracked out/ stoned I have ever seen. Can't even barely keep their eyes open and are slurring their sentences to each other; only slightly becoming normal when the bus jerks around or stops to let people off.

Also, meth woman has a black mullet full of hair gel that it doesn't move. She has a cane and is wearing these ultra gladiator sandals that go up to her ankles and are metallic silver. It's about 5:15 pm now, and the bus is packed that they will probably have to deny people soon because we have too many. I just happen to be sitting in the "handicapped/senior" section because when I got on that was the place to sit. I would move if someone got on that needed to sit. DUH.

So, Mullet Bitch starts complaining and points at me and the other people about how we are sitting in the handicapped section and that we aren't handicapped. I think she said handicapped about 6 times. The only reason she qualified was because she had a cane. There was nothing wrong with her. She was high and her pot belly was probably making her uncomfortable Oh, sorry I didn't know I had to move out of the section for lazy tweakers.

Her friend, meth man, is worse than her. His shirt is only buttoned in the very middle and he is trying to keep his head from bobbing with the movement of the bus. He is also carrying plastic bags filled with cotton balls and gatorade.

Next to them, is a woman in a pink gym outfit. When I look at what she is doing, she has a giant smile on her face because she just found a chocolate bar at the bottom of her purse. It is all melted and squished, but of course, she shoves it all in her mouth. Then about 10 seconds later, she pulls out a " Calorie, Carbs and Fat" book. Hmm.. closet binge eater?

Next to me, is a skinny punk boy who looks scared to death. I want to talk to him, but he just pulled out his phone to text. oh well.

On the other side of me is a woman reading a book. She has been completely silent the whole time but this time when I look down, I see her 2 inch long thumb nail holding the page open for her to read. Eek! Right along her cuticle is a giant bruise. Lovely. Maybe she was trying to snort some coke and her pimp beat her fingers... Probably not.. she just turned around and is a 60 year old Asian woman.

To my left is ANOTHER man with a mullet..good god..and this time he thinks he is THE MAN. It is brassy blonde and again, full of gel to keep it to perfection, and is rocking to his iPod in a flourescent button up shirt covered in marlin fish. Hotttt... At this same time, the bus comes to a stop and a girl gets up that I didn't even know was on the bus.. she is probably my age.. maybe a year younger and she is carrying a tiger stuffed animal under her arm.

What the hell are people thinking when they wake up in the morning, honestly?